Will anybody notice or care

Have you ever felt like the world would be better off without you and that people would barely notice if you were gone. That’s how I feel today.

I woke up this morning feeling like what’s the point. Then the inevitable thoughts of who would notice me gone or miss me. Obviously family but why – because they love me yeah I guess so, because I would be no longer here to fetch and carry for them hmm or because I am no longer here to be their scapegoat.

Other than family I have a lot of people I know but I just don’t feel like I am worth missing, being noticed as gone or even a worthy friend. 

My life hasn’t been my own, it has been controlled by other people. Now even when I want to do the biggest thing I have ever done for myself by moving home a few hours away from where I live now, I cannot do it but this time I totally understand. Although the government has relaxed their rules and I would be able to move house unfortunately I need to wait because others are self isolating. All I want to do is get away from this place. To start my new life. But is it going to be any different? Am I moving to basically be the same controlled person in a different city.

Do I even care anymore!?! What’s the point???

Today I feel like giving up. Today I am wondering if I will ever find myself and be able to have my life to myself and be able to live it. Would I ever be able to see if someone is controlling me and be able to get away from it. Will my mind, body and soul ever be mine.

Too many people have fucked with my mine, body and soul. I don’t know who I am or if I am even worth being on this or any other planet.

My mind is basically shit and not worth having, my body has been violated by too many people and I am not even sure I have a soul.

Today I am thinking and feeling FUCK IT! What is the actual point? 

I think about taking my own life at times and today is one of those days. I have considered hanging myself. I even know how and what with, I have considered this numerous times. I consider driving as fast as I can into a lamp post. This one has been on my mind since I was 18 years old. 

So this is where I am today. I doubt if this will even be read but I guess I am not even sure if I care.