A letter to my body

Dear Body of Mine, 

We have been together now for nearly 44 years. We have been through ups and downs but we are still going. 

Despite what I have put you through you still hold me up every day and keep me going even when I don’t want to, even when I have had enough.

We have been sexually assaulted, raped and beaten throughout our life yet you do not give up on me. You heal, get back up and help me take another step forward each day. 

We are meant to be here and we are made for each other. I know I have not been good to you over the last few years and I have given up keeping you fit and well but that is about to change. 

I have started a journey of body positivity and I intend to finish that journey. I will accept you for what you are but at the same time get you fit and healthy. 

My goal is no longer to help you lose weight. My goal is now to make you the best you can be to keep us both going. We have so much to do, so many people to meet. We can do this together and show the world when we are knocked down we will always get back up again. Ready to fight another day! 

We are stronger when we work together. Let’s do this!

We’ve got this!

Finding my Beautiful Destination

That moment when I realised I have been going about things the wrong way. Trying to fix binge eating and my need to drink alcohol to numb feelings instead of focusing on the cause – mental health problems.

This is a moment when I can start to turn my life around!

In the words of Martine McCutcheon “This is my moment.”

Apologies to anyone who now has that song stuck in their heads 😂. 

The last week or so have been tough. Going from feeling low to not wanting to be here anymore. So much so I wrote ‘Will anybody notice or care‘. I am very lucky to have friends that contacted me, around the time that I published that blog, to see how I was and then guided me through making me feel valued, wanted and most of all loved. Sometimes people can save lives and not even know it. A few words make such a difference.

Recently I was listening to Madeleine Black’s memoir Unbroken and everything changed.  

The therapies that Madeleine had tried and how they affected her really got me thinking. I have only tried therapy with Rape Crisis and a therapist through work. 

Rape Crisis were fantastic and I hope to start therapy with them again once I have moved house.

But there are so many other things I can do to help myself. 

I have tried to stop binge eating and drinking alcohol so that I would feel better about myself. But I was tackling this and my mental health in the wrong way. 

Madeleine said “It was time to turn and face that which I’d been running from for so long.”

When I heard this it made me realise I need to start facing the childhood sexual assaults, rapes, coercive control and sexual assaults in relationships which have cause my mental health problems. Only then will I be able to truly find myself and be free from my demons. 

So today is the first day of my true journey taking on the horrors of my past. Do I expect there to be hurdles along the way – yes, do I think this will happen overnight – no, could this take a long time potentially years – yes.

I do not expect this to be easy BUT 

I WILL beat this,

I WILL find myself and my beautiful destination, 

I WILL live again!

TRIGGER WARNING: How a flashback made me feel.

One weekend not so long ago I was feeling good. I played golf on the Saturday morning and caught up with some friends on Sunday. I made time to blitz my house and even caught up with my emails. Things were going well. Then everything changed!

I was watching a documentary series about a guy on trial for killing his wife. Part of the defence discussions were about emails between the accused and another guy. Up to this point I had no idea what was in the emails. Then the camera focused on the folder containing print outs of the emails. They showed pornographic images of naked men in various sexual positions.

One of the images showed the front of a naked man. As soon as I saw it, I turned the tv off. 

My body went so tense and I was rocking backwards and forwards. I couldn’t get the image out of my head. 

It took me straight back to sexual assaults and rape from my childhood. The shock running through my body was something I had never felt before. How could one image change everything in an instant. 

I couldn’t stop shaking and rocking. I wanted desperately to get the images of what happened to me out of my head. I can now see them much clearer. The one thing that I really don’t understand is that I can feel it happening all over again now. 

How the fuck can that happen. It feels like it’s just happened. I feel so dirty, disgusting and ashamed. Why has this happened to me? What did I do? 

How can one picture change everything for me.

Only recently I was OK. Yes, I was having down days and still working on what has happened to me but now, now is so different. 

I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even when I am wide awake. I am scared to go to sleep in case I have more nightmares. I am now worried about being around some men. I have moved desks at work because I kept getting spooked about men walking behind me. I have more thoughts of taking my own life. TV, books, music, people talking – anything that contains sex I just cannot hear, read or watch. I am afraid when I am walking to my car after work now it is dark. I am afraid to walk to the local shop, less than 5 mins away, when it’s dark. 

What the hell! How can this one image make such a difference. It has changed my life for the worse. I wasn’t expecting to see it. I never wanted to see anything like that again in my life. Now it’s stuck in my mind and I can’t get rid of it. 

It’s plaguing me. Tormenting me. Putting me back in time to the sexual assaults and rape! I CAN FEEL IT HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN!!! WTF!!! I feel so physically sick.

I’ve never felt so triggered in my life. I haven’t been the same since I saw that image on TV. It’s only been 10 days but believe me it feels like a lifetime!

I am really not sure how I am going to get passed this. 

So, how does it feel to have a flashback? It feels life changing, devastating, nauseating, frightening, debilitating. 

I hope I never have a flashback again. I wish I could give advice on how to cope but I have no idea myself. 

Please take care everyone. This shit is horrible!