TRIGGER WARNING: How a flashback made me feel.

One weekend not so long ago I was feeling good. I played golf on the Saturday morning and caught up with some friends on Sunday. I made time to blitz my house and even caught up with my emails. Things were going well. Then everything changed!

I was watching a documentary series about a guy on trial for killing his wife. Part of the defence discussions were about emails between the accused and another guy. Up to this point I had no idea what was in the emails. Then the camera focused on the folder containing print outs of the emails. They showed pornographic images of naked men in various sexual positions.

One of the images showed the front of a naked man. As soon as I saw it, I turned the tv off. 

My body went so tense and I was rocking backwards and forwards. I couldn’t get the image out of my head. 

It took me straight back to sexual assaults and rape from my childhood. The shock running through my body was something I had never felt before. How could one image change everything in an instant. 

I couldn’t stop shaking and rocking. I wanted desperately to get the images of what happened to me out of my head. I can now see them much clearer. The one thing that I really don’t understand is that I can feel it happening all over again now. 

How the fuck can that happen. It feels like it’s just happened. I feel so dirty, disgusting and ashamed. Why has this happened to me? What did I do? 

How can one picture change everything for me.

Only recently I was OK. Yes, I was having down days and still working on what has happened to me but now, now is so different. 

I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even when I am wide awake. I am scared to go to sleep in case I have more nightmares. I am now worried about being around some men. I have moved desks at work because I kept getting spooked about men walking behind me. I have more thoughts of taking my own life. TV, books, music, people talking – anything that contains sex I just cannot hear, read or watch. I am afraid when I am walking to my car after work now it is dark. I am afraid to walk to the local shop, less than 5 mins away, when it’s dark. 

What the hell! How can this one image make such a difference. It has changed my life for the worse. I wasn’t expecting to see it. I never wanted to see anything like that again in my life. Now it’s stuck in my mind and I can’t get rid of it. 

It’s plaguing me. Tormenting me. Putting me back in time to the sexual assaults and rape! I CAN FEEL IT HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN!!! WTF!!! I feel so physically sick.

I’ve never felt so triggered in my life. I haven’t been the same since I saw that image on TV. It’s only been 10 days but believe me it feels like a lifetime!

I am really not sure how I am going to get passed this. 

So, how does it feel to have a flashback? It feels life changing, devastating, nauseating, frightening, debilitating. 

I hope I never have a flashback again. I wish I could give advice on how to cope but I have no idea myself. 

Please take care everyone. This shit is horrible!