Will anybody notice or care

Have you ever felt like the world would be better off without you and that people would barely notice if you were gone. That’s how I feel today.

I woke up this morning feeling like what’s the point. Then the inevitable thoughts of who would notice me gone or miss me. Obviously family but why – because they love me yeah I guess so, because I would be no longer here to fetch and carry for them hmm or because I am no longer here to be their scapegoat.

Other than family I have a lot of people I know but I just don’t feel like I am worth missing, being noticed as gone or even a worthy friend. 

My life hasn’t been my own, it has been controlled by other people. Now even when I want to do the biggest thing I have ever done for myself by moving home a few hours away from where I live now, I cannot do it but this time I totally understand. Although the government has relaxed their rules and I would be able to move house unfortunately I need to wait because others are self isolating. All I want to do is get away from this place. To start my new life. But is it going to be any different? Am I moving to basically be the same controlled person in a different city.

Do I even care anymore!?! What’s the point???

Today I feel like giving up. Today I am wondering if I will ever find myself and be able to have my life to myself and be able to live it. Would I ever be able to see if someone is controlling me and be able to get away from it. Will my mind, body and soul ever be mine.

Too many people have fucked with my mine, body and soul. I don’t know who I am or if I am even worth being on this or any other planet.

My mind is basically shit and not worth having, my body has been violated by too many people and I am not even sure I have a soul.

Today I am thinking and feeling FUCK IT! What is the actual point? 

I think about taking my own life at times and today is one of those days. I have considered hanging myself. I even know how and what with, I have considered this numerous times. I consider driving as fast as I can into a lamp post. This one has been on my mind since I was 18 years old. 

So this is where I am today. I doubt if this will even be read but I guess I am not even sure if I care.

Essential Tremor and me

Have you ever held your breath when you try to put a key in a lock, when you put pen to paper because you can’t keep your hand still? Have you ever wished bar staff wouldn’t fill your glass to the top because it will end up on the floor or needed a friend to cut up your food when out for a meal? These are just some of the ways Essential Tremor has impacted me. 

After having a hand tremor for what felt like a lifetime my head started to join the party. This freaked me out! Not because I was worried about my health but because I was worried about how I looked and what people would think of me.

So, feeling a little awkward and embarrassed, I went to my GP to explain what was happening. To my surprise, after a brief examination, she explained that she would like to refer me to a neurologist and did some blood tests. Which proved I am ‘normal’. 

I went to see the neurologist who carried out some tests getting me to do various movements and tested my reflexes. I explained what was happening. Then he said… “you have a Benign Essential Tremor”. 

My immediate thought was ‘ok, wtf is that?’ He explained that it was to do with my brain and can affect hands, arms, head, tongue, neck, legs and feet. 

Brain doctor has confirmed I have a brain…..get in! 

He prescribed me beta-blockers (Propranolol) which help. He explained that it’s a life long condition which will get worse as I get older.  

He also said something I wasn’t expecting… If you don’t have your medication with you and feel you need your tremor to reduce alcohol will help, wine or spirits are best!

Did I just hear that right!?! A doctor just gave me advice to drink alcohol. Result! What a great excuse though ‘medicinal purposes’. 

My first prescription for Propranolol was 5mg as and when I needed it. I now take 80mg once a day every day. Unfortunately that now needs to be reviewed because my tremor is getting worse again. 

Rather than let this stop me doing things I try to find a way to adapt. I carry one drink at a time, I use a trackball mouse when on my PC, I use two hands when I need to for any tasks where normally it might be one. If I am having a particularly bad day I am lucky enough to have friends and family who understand and help me by taking my drink to the table or cutting my food up for me. Thankfully the latter has only happen once in public. 

When I eat out I make a point not to have soup or anything equally as awkward where I could cause a mess. I always go to my food rather than bring my food to my mouth. 

If people don’t like seeing that then that’s their problem not mine. 

But I am lucky, although my tremor is getting worse it is no where near as bad as the tremor that Roger Warburton has. I can only hope mine doesn’t get to that stage.

The tremor is part of me. I have chosen to embrace and adapt to it rather than hide away. I still play golf and have tees which are easier to balance the ball on.

Adapting to changes in our bodies is something most of us do or will need to do in the future. Don’t let ill health hold you back!

Oh and by the way – if you challenge me to a game of this the answer will be a resounding yes! Right after I have had a glass of wine!

Watch Chris Warburton’s footage of his dad, Roger receiving an implant to help his tremor click here.

If you would like more information on Essential Tremor or other types of tremor visit The National Tremor Foundation.

New year – New you!?! 🤔

New year – New you!?! 🤔

New year new you they say. That’s a load of rubbish I say.

Nothing changes from the last day of the year to the first day of the following year.

Some people wake up hungover, some make revolutions, some carry on as normal etc. etc.

This year I am not going to make resolutions, I am not going to drink alcohol to bring in the new year. In fact I am likely to be in bed before midnight.

I would just like to carry on as though it is a normal day. This is my way of getting through it.

I have been struggling more than normal the last few days. So, I don’t want to make a big thing about it being new years eve.

All I can do is hope that 2019 will be better than 2018 and the years before that.

I have two goals and they are life goals rather than new year goals.

• To be able to come out the other side of dealing with my demons
• Go forward helping others achieve the same.

If I can achieve those in life then my goals have been met and my life has been worth it.

Survived Christmas day despite male crudeness

Survived Christmas day despite male crudeness

Christmas day is one of the days in the year that I would like to fly by just to get back to normality. As bah humbug as it sounds, to me it seems a lot of fuss about nothing.

I understand the real meaning of Christmas but I am not religious myself.

For me it has become too commercialised. So many people, including myself, spend far too much money on presents, food and drink. A lot of food goes to waste, the wrapping paper gets added to landfill and people get far too drunk.

So I try to think of it as a time when my family get together. We have a lovely meal, watch the same films we watched last year and play games.

This year was the second year that I have spent at my sister’s with me, my mum, my sister’s husband and his dad.

To say my sister’s husband and his dad (78 yrs old) were being crude feels like an understatement. I don’t understand why some people are like that. It is not acceptable anytime, anywhere!

Keep those kinds of comments/thoughts to yourself.

Twas the night before Christmas – Emotional rollercoaster

Twas the night before Christmas – Emotional rollercoaster

Twas the night before Christmas and who knew my emotions could go from

  • It’s Christmas tomorrow. I’m not that bothered but it will be a good day.

To

  • Omgosh I feel so low I could cry my eyes out. I want this year out of the way. I want Christmas out of the way. I’ve had enough.

I am aware that I am being so negative and I hate it. It is probably pushing people away. 😢

I lost my dad 3 years ago. Christmas has not been the same since. This year feels especially difficult because I have also been dealing with sexual assaults from my childhood amongst other things.

All sounds like an excuse but believe me it’s not easy. I just want it all to go away.

Yet Christmas day will be here tomorrow and my brave face will make yet another appearance and nobody will be any the wiser. This is what I do to #survive and get through the day.

What do you do?

I just want to say that if you too are struggling, you are not alone. Stay strong people. We can do this!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Lets make 2019 count!