Every time you step inside that room to talk to your therapist you know what it’s about. After opening up to her for a year memories have been flooding back. You know what they are and you are starting to put the pieces together.
But there is always that moment. That moment when it occurs to you that these things actually happened. You were sexually assaulted by your ex wife and then by your ex girlfriend.
The conversation flowing. I was thinking – why couldn’t I say no, why couldn’t I escape. Then the questions from my therapist… What were you scared of? What did you think was going to happen?
Well, I say, they wouldn’t have physically hurt me. They weren’t violent…. The realisation kicks in – the light bulb moment. They both sexually assaulted me numerous times over 8 years.
WHAT!!! Is this real? Did this really happen to me? Surely I could have said ‘no’ or made an excuse. The thing is I did make excuses and although I never said the word ‘no’ I certainly gave every impression that I didn’t want to. I did not give consent!!
A while ago I wrote a blog about being sexually assaulted by my wife. At the time it was words on a page, information to be processed. Even then when I was writing the details the light bulb didn’t go off. I knew what it was and I knew it had happened but I hadn’t taken it in or believed it.
I believe it now, I know it happened and I am taking it all in but I feel acceptance is a step that I am still working towards. My head knows but my heart and soul are not there yet.
How did this happen to me?
It all started when I was a child. You see, I was sexually assaulted as a child as well. After years of struggling I decided to get some help to find my voice. To get all of these torturous memories out.
I have been seeing a Rape Crisis therapist now for just over a year. I have a way to go yet but I feel stronger just knowing the support is there for me.
These light bulb moments can be tough but each one is a step closer to freedom from the memories which have been holding me back.
Never give up. Find your voice and grab your freedom with both hands. Our lives are worth living!