I woke up that morning with an anger in my head, my blood rushing through my veins like lava.
I recognise this feeling, I’ve had it before. Yes, the one feeling nobody expects. I want to hurt myself, I want my mind to just switch off, explode into tiny pieces so nobody can see what I see.
Therapy starts, I can’t talk. I hold my head in my hands and want to scream. I growl, for fuck sake.
I just want to switch it off. Turn of my mind. I want this feeling to go. I won’t take my own life I say. I may hurt myself. Scale of 0-10, how likely? Higher than 5!
I can’t breathe, I just want it all to go. I can’t process what is happening. Doctors’?…..no. No, I’m fine. I won’t kill myself.
It was then that I realised you have seen me.
I needed someone to see me. I needed someone to see what feeling like this looks like. This happens, the anger, the hurt, the pain, the shame, the disgust takes over. For a day, a week, a month for as long as it wants. Eating away at every fibre of my being.
You have seen me at my worst now. My absolute rock bottom. I needed someone to see me. I’m glad it was you.