I used to think that it isn’t possible to be sexually assaulted by the person you are married to or in a relationship with. Yes a very naive approach to life but that was me. I mean, who would want to sexually assault their partner right!?!
Then there was a turning point where not only did I know it could happen but it actually happened to me. I didn’t know it as sexual assault at the time but I certainly do now. All I know is that I didn’t want it to happen but it did anyway.
There were many incidents over the years but one particular incident sticks in my mind. Please do not read on if you think this may trigger you. #Selfcare
One night when we went to bed like most nights I assumed my position of sleeping on my back. My wife would put her head on my shoulder and her arm around my waist.
This night like others lead to what I now know to be sexual assault.
She started to move her hand down so I closed my legs as tight as I could knowing and dreading what was coming. I turned away and said I was tired but that didn’t stop her.
She started to touch me in ways I didn’t want her to despite my legs clenched as tight as I could. Next thing I know she is inside me. I felt so sick and couldn’t help but cringe. I didn’t want this but she carried on.
I could tell she wasn’t going to give up or listen to my words or body language. I didn’t feel like I could get up and get away. I felt stuck, frozen! Now all I wanted was for it to be over.
The only way I felt I could get this over with was to go along with it, fake an orgasm as quick as I could but not too quick so she thought it was fake!
I was scared, I didn’t feel I had any other choice. So that’s what I did.
It feels me with dread even now. My legs are crossed tightly as I write this. The thought of it sickens me.
On a good night it would end there. On a bad night I was then made to do the same and more to her. She wasn’t faking so this took longer. All I could think of was I hope she is satisfied soon because I don’t want this. I could have cried so many times.
Afterwards I remember turning away and just wanting to get out of there but I couldn’t move. It’s like my body was made of lead. So heavy, so dirty!
Sexual assault in marriage and relationships happens far too often and like me no doubt people put up with it. I didn’t even recognise it as sexual assault until I discussed it with my Rape Crisis counsellor.
To my wife it was making love, to me it was so violating, dirty and invasive. There was no love in that!