I have now been seeing a counsellor at Rape Crisis for a year. We have built a great relationship of trust and honestly.
It is never easy finding the right counsellor who you know you can have this relationship with. I consider myself very lucky.
Yesterday when I left I felt happy and positive. My counsellor and I had a great conversation. We were even laughing.
I finally feel like I am starting to turn a corner.
Most of my life I have been controlled in one way or another by various people – family, friends and partners. This control has left me feeling like I cannot say no and cannot get out of a situation that I don’t want to be in, sexual abuse. I freeze!
On the less serious but also impacting side of the scale I have felt I couldn’t say no to my mum. Here are a couple of examples.
I have wanted a cat for years but my sister and mum are scared of them so I felt I couldn’t get one despite living on my own.
A month ago I decided it was time I did something for me, I finally made the decision to adopt a cat from the local RSPCA centre. Its my life right. I need to do what I want to with it.
Surprisingly, my sister is happy for me and has decided that she wants to get over her fear. My mum however is not impressed! Sadly I am not surprised at this.
Anyway, moving on from that. I have decided that it’s time to cancel a long standing obligation I have to drop my mum at bingo every Monday. This is something I do because I feel I have to and feel guilty if I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, my mum will still go but her friend will take her instead as she is going anyway.
I know this sounds a bit pathetic but believe me these decisions have not been easy and I still feel guilty for making them.
You may think I am selfish and maybe even cruel. All I can say to that is please do not judge a situation when you are not living it.
Saying one little word, NO, is harder than you think sometimes.
One step at a time, one decision at a time I will start to live my life for me and put me first.
I am important too! The best person to take care of me is me.