Turning a corner! – Rape Crisis Update

I have now been seeing a counsellor at Rape Crisis for a year. We have built a great relationship of trust and honestly. 

It is never easy finding the right counsellor who you know you can have this relationship with. I consider myself very lucky. 

Yesterday when I left I felt happy and positive. My counsellor and I had a great conversation. We were even laughing. 

I finally feel like I am starting to turn a corner. 

Most of my life I have been controlled in one way or another by various people – family, friends and partners. This control has left me feeling like I cannot say no and cannot get out of a situation that I don’t want to be in, sexual abuse. I freeze!

On the less serious but also impacting side of the scale I have felt I couldn’t say no to my mum. Here are a couple of examples.

I have wanted a cat for years but my sister and mum are scared of them so I felt I couldn’t get one despite living on my own. 

A month ago I decided it was time I did something for me, I finally made the decision to adopt a cat from the local RSPCA centre. Its my life right. I need to do what I want to with it. 

Surprisingly, my sister is happy for me and has decided that she wants to get over her fear. My mum however is not impressed! Sadly I am not surprised at this. 

Anyway, moving on from that. I have decided that it’s time to cancel a long standing obligation I have to drop my mum at bingo every Monday. This is something I do because I feel I have to and feel guilty if I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, my mum will still go but her friend will take her instead as she is going anyway. 

I know this sounds a bit pathetic but believe me these decisions have not been easy and I still feel guilty for making them. 

You may think I am selfish and maybe even cruel. All I can say to that is please do not judge a situation when you are not living it. 

Saying one little word, NO, is harder than you think sometimes. 

One step at a time, one decision at a time I will start to live my life for me and put me first. 

I am important too! The best person to take care of me is me. 

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