Why am I so scared to let go?

Over the years, like most people, I have had my moments of sadness when all I can do is cry. Literally balling my eyes out feeling sick kind of cry, you know the type.

I truly believe that crying is a way of releasing negative energy and a step towards letting go of things grinding you down.

So why is it that I find it so difficult to let go and release the pent-up negative energy I feel inside me now?

Last year I opened up to Madeleine Black (author of Unbroken) about being sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old. In August last year I started seeing a Rape Crisis therapist and I continue to do so. Over the seven months more memories of additional sexual assaults by different people have come back. I have walked past and seen people who have carried out these assaults, had nightmares and thought about how I could take my life.

Yet despite all of this and much more I cannot seem to let go and cry. I feel like crying but won’t release it. I know why!

I fear not being able to stop crying and having a break down. So, it is safer to hold it in.

Surely opening up and talking about the incidents, amongst other things, to Rape Crisis is help enough!?! Or do I need to let it all out?

One day I may do that. Right now, however much I feel like crying I don’t feel ready to let go.

Writing this has made me think! I’m not the only person that does this, that I am sure of.

So,

  • Why do so many of us bottle things up and cause ourselves more distress in the long run?
  • Is showing our true feelings that much of a taboo? If so, why?
  • Are we too afraid that people won’t understand?
  • Are we too scared and ashamed to talk about the things getting us down?

What can we do to change this?

I live alone and have plenty of time when I can let go. So, I am the only person stopping myself from doing this.

I believe that once I trust myself and understand that I am actually a strong person I will then allow myself the freedom to let go.

What do you think would help you let go?

Feel free to write your comments below.

2 thoughts on “Why am I so scared to let go?

  1. Hi

    You say ‘I live alone so plenty of time to let go’. The thing is I think the real healing comes when you can let go in the presence of a compassionate witness who is there to hear and hold and validate your pain. It’s not easy finding someone who can do that and with whom you are free enough to let it all come. I found a therapist who allowed me to do that and I have had times on her therapy floor screaming like a grieving mother, curled up in the corner like a terrified toddler and sobbing like the flood waters would never abate. It’s OK, you will do it – when time and place is right. Also – after 5years of intense talking I realised it was by body that wants to cry and I am now trying somatic experiencing – when you are done talking and you will know when that is then perhaps your body will let you let go of the pain. Love and peace to you dear fellow survivor . Esme

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Esme, Thank you so much for your comment. I agree, letting go with people around you would certainly help. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Some part of me always seems to hold back. No matter how much I could just let go. My Rape Crisis therapist is very good. Sometimes I just wish the sessions were longer. They do such an amazing job. I am thankful to have the chance to see someone. I feel I have a long way to go but I will definitely get there. Love and peace to you too Esme. Xx

      Like

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