Repressed Memories – Freedom

My session with Rape Crisis today was emotional and unburdening.

I woke up feeling good although a little apprehensive about taking a photo album in to my session. This was something my therapist and I had discussed. We both decided that it would be a good idea to help me remember missing memories of my life.

I had a feeling it would be emotional but I wanted to do it because I knew it would help me move forward.

After working at home a little in the morning I went to Rape Crisis. When I arrived as always my therapist asked how I am. For the second week running I said “I am good” then bored her about my weekend away for a few minutes.

We then moved on to the photo album. I have to say I approached it with caution. Almost afraid to open it.

It was easy enough at first. Lots of photos of me and my sister together, the therapist and I trying to guess which one I was. Being an identical twin mum always dressed us in the same clothes. The big giveaway was me being the chunky one.

There were a few photos of me with my dad, always hard to see. I miss him so much!

Then came a photo of me and my sister with our uncle who my sister has recently told me used to touch us inappropriately. She said no more and I can’t remember much yet.

After that there was a photo that I still can’t get out of my head. It was of one of my male cousins with my sister and I in the background. I keep seeing his eyes and the look on his face. I remember that face as it was back then. It was far from easy seeing that photo.

It brought tears to my eyes and my heart sank. Then I realised I was younger than 8 years old when he sexually assaulted me. I didn’t know what to think. Before today I thought the incident with the boys in the tunnel was the first incident. This is all mind blowing.

Despite how I felt when I left there today I actually feel OK now. I feel like my heart has sank but I feel relieved that it is out in the open. I feel like I am taking a step forward without any steps back.

I feel lighter!

I can’t explain how much seeing Rape Crisis is helping me. My heart goes out to all that work and volunteer for them.

I am at a positive part of my journey and I am loving it. I haven’t felt this good in such a long time. Long may it continue.

Take care one and all xx

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