I’m scared I won’t come out the other side of this distressing place that I am in. I feel like I am running out of energy to fight this. I wish there was a quick fix.
The men and women that do these things to us don’t seem to understand the impact they have on us. They certainly don’t care.
I was sexually assaulted at least seven times, that I remember, throughout my childhood. All by different boys or men in different circumstances. Some were boys I knew through school, some were guys I thought were friends and others were male family members.
I can’t understand why someone would think it is OK to sexually assault anyone. I will never understand it. There is no excuse for it. I don’t care what I was wearing, if you thought I should pay for a lift home in some way or if peer pressure from your friends was too much for you to take.
YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO VIOLATE ME IN ANY WAY. THIS IS MY BODY!
So many people think about men being the abuser when they think of sexual assault or coercive control. As a survivor I know that is not true.
I am a gay woman. In my 30’s I was in a relationship with a woman who controlled me so much that I could not go out to see people without her, I had to do everything for her at home, she would humiliate me in front of friends and family, she pressured me into getting married.
When it came to sex she would go on about it until I would end up giving in just to keep her quiet and to stop her making me feel worse than I did already. In bed she would move her hand on to my thigh, this would make me cringe so I would turn away. She would persist! I didn’t want her to touch me.
The whole relationship I felt like I was pushed into things. Believe me it was not easy to get out of the relationship but I did. The day I left she was self harming in front of me to try and get me to stay. I didn’t! (She was fine)
I had the same problem in my next relationship apart from this time I was in love with the lady and she loved me too. We didn’t marry (thank god). The same thing happened with coercive control and sex. This time financial control as well as emotional and sexual.
When I ended this relationship she would not stop contacting me and even turned up at my front door unexpected. I bought myself a camera doorbell. I have told her that I will contact the Police if she contacts me again.
Sexual abuse and coercive control are not just committed by men. I know!
Whoever abused you and in whatever way remember there are lots of people out there that have been through the same and can help you. Make sure you talk to someone. It is certainly helping me.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of low days but I am determined to beat this and not let what happened to me control my life.
IT IS MY LIFE TO LIVE