A journey into the unknown

Well I have had two appointments with Rape Crisis now. The therapist I am seeing is lovely and I feel she is the right person for me to see.

The first appointment

I felt so nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. I have had counselling before but in my mind this was going to be so different because it will be focused on the trauma in my past, my difficulty dealing with information seen etc. at work and finally going through my relationships and the hard times I have had.

My therapist asked me a few questions and as I thought, I also needed to complete some paperwork. I then set out my reasons for being there.

  • Sexual assault when I was around 8 years old
  • Sexual assaults between the ages of 14 and 18
  • Work related information regarding CSE, rape and other sex and violent crimes
  • Two controlling relationships which I struggled to get out of

She said that there are a few different areas that we can work with and she feels we will be able to work well together. I felt so drained when I left. As always I felt lightheaded and my legs were like jelly. I have no idea how I ever manage to leave a counsellors place when I end up feeling like that every time.

My second appointment

I have to say I feel a little disappointed in myself. I couldn’t talk about the main issues as I was struggling and feel so scared. I have no idea why but I ended up talking about money most of the time. I even apologised for talking about things that are not part of what they normally deal with. My therapist, bless her, said it really doesn’t matter and that the time is to go through whatever I want to. I think she was trying to say I will talk about the other things in my own time and there is no pressure.

I felt so nervous and scared to say something. What if she doesn’t believe me. What if I am being a drama queen. Talking about things makes it all so real….. but I already know its real. That doesn’t make sense!!!!

Our minds are mysterious things. We talk ourselves into and out of things all of the time, our minds block things out to protect us. I don’t know what I want to believe but I know I wasn’t the only person there when I was around 8 years old. I have a witness, my sister! I only wish I had the guts to ask her what she remembers. Would she tell me even if she does remember? Who knows…..

I can do this and I will do this. I will do it in my own time.

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