It’s been a hard slog recently. I have had a lot of good times but I struggle so much when I get home alone. The date approaching fast when I speak to rape crisis. The anticipation is killing me almost literally!!
I know I need to talk to someone and let it all out. I’m not sure what they can do to help me or even if all they do is listen. Who knows!
Knowing I am going to be seeing someone whose intention is to help with rape and sexual assault victims is pretty scary. It means this is all real. Despite feeling ready to talk I don’t know if I am ready to accept it. I don’t want to believe these things happened. I don’t want to remember more of what happened. Especially the bits I have blanked out completely. There must be a reason my mind has chosen to block it out.
I’m not proud of it but I have recently considered taking my own life. I wouldn’t do it but I have thought about it. Even down to how! Hanging myself using the stairway banister.
I wouldn’t do it because it would kill my mum. I can’t do that to her.
So what do you do when you have had enough? I’m struggling to think of the best thing to do. I wish I could just switch off all of the crap and start again. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t opened up to my manager about what I am struggling with. Facing what happened to me is the hardest thing ever.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want all of this to come up again. I am fed up of being fed up and no I can’t just snap out of it. I’m depressed!
How do I get through this? How!?!