The hidden truth…

I am an identical twin. My sister and I used to go everywhere together when we were at first school. We were very shy and didn’t like going anywhere on our own. Our parents were a lot older than most and as a result we were wrapped up in cotton wool so to speak.

Mum did everything for us but dad didn’t get involved too much until we were older. He didn’t want to deal with screaming children. He was old fashioned and the kids were for mum to look after.

I also have an older brother, 13 years older than me. We were planned but unfortunately mum lost 2 babies before having us. She always wanted twin girls and she got twin girls.

My sister and I went to a first school walking distance from home. The walk out of the school gates would take us past a children’s play area where there were slides, climbing equipment and concrete tunnels built into the surrounding hills.

We would then follow the pathway between the school fields and the back of some houses taking us along the back of the road we lived on. At the end of those houses we would cross a small car park and the family home was across from there. A walk that would take us less than 5 minutes. I remember sometimes walking home holding hands with my sister when we felt a little uneasy. I don’t know if this was before or after I was first sexually assaulted.

The ugly truth of that space in time

My sister and I were walking home from school when we were approached by a teenage boy. I don’t remember what he said but it was either that someone was hurt in one of the tunnels or something like come and have a look at something in the tunnel.

Being the innocent girls that we were we followed the boy to one of the tunnels. There were two or three other boys there and another boy our age laying on the floor of the tunnel. He was laying there bottom half naked.

There was only one way into and out of the tunnel. The boys were standing around blocking our way out. They were saying things but I don’t remember what. They made me get on top of the boy and try to have sex with him by pushing him inside me. Given how young we were thankfully it couldn’t. More goading from the boys forcing me to put his penis in my mouth.

I looked up afterwards and saw two lads to my right one blocking part of the exit, my sister just in front of them and another lad just to the left blocking the rest of the exit.

I don’t know what happened after that, if anything happened to my sister, how we got home or what we did when we got home. The one thing I do know is that we didn’t tell anyone.

I was around 8 years old when this happened. An innocent girl with no life experience now scarred by a trauma that would come back to haunt me.

I am now in my 40’s and up until recently I worked in the Taxi Licensing Department in a Local Authority. I had been in that department for 16 years. Little did I know that for the last 4 years I would be seeing, reading and trying to deal with information about rape and other sexual assaults concerning people making applications or current licence holders.

This information brought back some of the memories which I have suppressed over the years. Last year with the help of a couple of friends and colleagues I have started my journey to find my voice and tackle the traumas in my life head on.

As I find my voice I have been told that further suppressed memories may come back. This I am not looking forward to.

I will share my traumas with you when I can. Hopefully this will not only help tackle my demons but may help at least one person who is also struggling to find their voice.

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